NOTE: THIS PIECE OF PURE BRILLIANCE HAS BEEN GOING AROUND ON THE INTERNET SINCE AT LEAST MARCH 09 - I HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO VALIDATE THE SOURCE BUT IF IT IS BY A YOUNG LAW STUDENT LIKE IT SAYS THEN HE NEEDS TO RUN FOR OFFICE - S.L.
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but, sadly, this relationship has run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass, each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don’t like re-distributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell.
We’ll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute. “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World.”
We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots; if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall, Law Student and an American
P S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but this troubled author will one day lie in his own dirt. Your article puts conservatives in a bad light. I don't consider myself to be liberal or conservative, just a man of God which is more important. Obviously you have way too much faith in man. The same man that will turn on each other and eventually you. You seek division from voices of reason in the age of reason be careful what you ask for.
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