OK Let's Go Over This One More Time . . .

so•cial•ism/ˈsōSHəˌlizəm/

Noun:
1. A political and economic theory of that advocates that the means of production, distribution, and exchange should be owned or regulated . . .

2. (in Marxist theory) A transitional social state between the overthrow of capitalism and the realization of communism.


• SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. The government requires they be cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government only gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations allow, then requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. The government gives the people who don’t work as much milk as they need.

• COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You give them to the Government, and the Government then gives you some milk.

• ANARCHY: You have two cows. Your neighbors kill you and take the cows.

• ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

• FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

• POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership"is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

• EUROPEAN SOCIALISM: You have two cows. Soon you have to kill one of them because in the Netherlands there is an overproduction of milk and the European Union rules say so. When you do so, you realize that it was not necessary, only the system was too slow in getting you the up-to-date news. From the stress, you get an ulcer in your stomach so you go to a doctor. The doctor realizes that this ulcer is a serious one, so you need an urgent treatment. Therefore, you soon get a call to the local hospital. The call's date is for 3 months later, because there is a queue with more urgent cases. Then your ulcer becomes even more serious because you remember that 40 percent of your income is taken for social tax.

• OBAMUNISM: You have two cows. The administration appoints a radical accordion teacher as Cow Czar; he rules that you can keep the cows but you can’t feed them or milk them. You go broke and the government bails you out by nationalizing the cows and calling them chickens. It then reports that chicken prices are at an all-time high and chicken ranchers are flourishing despite the Bush-era tax cuts.

• HOLDERISM: You have two cows. You trade them for guns and take the guns south of the border and give them to druglords. You then return north to file paperwork to get reimbursed for the cows, your time, your accrued pension rights and your kids’ braces (along with new tiling for your swimming pool). Later, you sit down at a restaurant, order a steak (possibly from one of the cows) and read about how the guns were used to murder ranchers just north of the border. You hope that won’t affect the future price of steak.

• Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.