Saturday, December 10, 2011


The 112th annual Army-Navy Game will be played today just outside of Washington DC. I'm sure I don't need to say who I'm gunning for.

I hate to admit it, but Navy usually wins these engagements. In fact, Navy has won nine out of the last ten games. Everybody knows why Navy wins but nobody's allowed to say it. One of the benefits of writing under a pseudonym is that I can say the outrageous and the irreverent, so here goes:

William Perry, a.k.a. The Fridge, played for the Chicago Bears 1985-1994

In American football - known as 'Gridiron' in the Commmonwealth - you need these big linebackers, guys like The Fridge.

The trouble is, in the military we have this thing called "Height and Weight Standards". Army cadets are in the Army, and as such their primary mission in life is to learn how to break things and kill people, all the while marching in step, keeping in the correct uniform, correct height and weight standards, passing PT tests, maintaining 3.5 grade point averages with classloads that include calculus and quantum mechanics, and - because they are West Pointers - eating with the correct fork.

The Navy, on the other hand, not only doesn't give a damn about any of that all-important military crap, they couldn't understand it if you tried to explain it to them, even if it was in comic book form. All the Navy cares about is anchors aweigh, polishing brass and keeping the enlisted swine out of Officer Territory, which is any place in the ship that has blue linoleum.

For the Navy, the whole point of having a football team is to Beat Army, and so they ignore their height and weight standards - just like they ignore their academic standards - and field a team of mighty maritime gladiatorial Goats capable of crushing the Army Mules (who are actually military epicurean brainiac soldier athletes, like the ancient Spartans).

The dirty little secret that everybody knows is that if the Navy DID apply their height and weight standards, there wouldn't BE a Navy.

Go Army, Beat Navy!


Today's Bird



  1. This is always a good game.

    Air Force, however, holds the Commander in Chief's trophy. Air Power presented to Army and Navy from the shotgun. This is necessary because the Air Force players are even smaller than the Army players.


  2. And truer words have never been spoken. You have made my day with this one Stormbringer.

  3. Your thesis is incorrect. Please go to and click on the "roster" for each team. There you will find the height and weight of each player. There is no appreciable difference. Also, I have yet to meet anyone in the special forces who could fit into an F-18, much less fly it.

  4. 27-21, culminating a decade of dominance.

  5. Don't listen to Anon.

    Sean's right.

    But...the problem is....I thought the goal was to adapt and overcome.

    So, apparently, the Navy knows how to do that and the Army doesn't.....

    What a sad panda.

    Retired Squid.

    captcha: pettent: What the Army will issue now that DADT is over......
    The Navy has subs.

  6. Hey, dog face. You forgot about the Marines. We don't take kindly to bow wows bad mouthing our brothers in arms. While you guys were off fiddling around in some rear area, I notice the SEALs were doing the dirty work on bin Laden. If you want to get something done, call the Navy. If you want something done right, call the Marines. If you want to hear a story about why something can't be done, call the Army.

  7. Eff you JarHead - everybody knows the only reason they have Marines on Navy ships is because sheep would be too obvious.


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