Saturday, December 28, 2013

OWNED . . .

In a whatwazzat head jerk that has put America's Liberal intelligentsia's collective necks out of joint, the New York media giant known as the Arts & Entertainment has been intellectually and spiritually donkey punched by a redneck hillbilly philosopher named Phil, appropriately enough . . . S.L.

Right about know a bunch of New York media types are sitting around a Swedish ping-pong table still trying to figure out what the hell just happened to them with this whole Duck Dynasty brouhaha . . . Well as anyone who's spent a bit of time in the South out in the woods can tell you - never EVER underestimate a hillbilly, especially one as intense as the Duck Commander.

Wisdom and deceptive cunning will always overcome altruistic naivety.

There are cynics out there who say the whole Duck Dynasty thing was a huge publicity stunt. Au contraire, what we have witnessed is nothing less than the classic hillbilly fleecing of city folk done on a nation-wide scale. Some genius on the publicity team over at A&E thought it would be a good idea to introduce Phil to the cutting-edge cultural periodical and metrosexual fag manual GQ, to produce some provocative quips for the Sunday talk shows to gush over, and when Phil delivered - the Wizards of Smart media darlings sh*t their britches (as we say in the South) and A&E, predictably, hit the panic button.

"Phil must be fired! Fire Phil!" they cried. "There is no other possible alternative!"

But when the Ducks said, "No show without Phil!" the folks over at A&E very soon there learned there were quite a few alternatives, as unpalatable as they may seem to their refined epicurean palettes. In the Land of the Blind, the One-Eyed Man is King, and so it is in the Land of Political Correctness; he who speaks openly and refuses to bow down to the Stormtroopers of Liberal Fascism will sooner or later prevail. If he has his ducks in a row, that is, and the Duck Commander's ducks are very much in a row.

Meanwhile, as Phil spoke his mind, no less a bastion of Liberalism than Time Magazine named Pope Francis Person of the Year. This would be the same Pope who shares exactly the same sentiments of Phil Robertson regarding the sinful nature not only of homosexual sex but also a lot of aspects of heterosexual sex. The same Pope who shares exactly the same point of view as Phil Robertson regarding same-sex marriage, and incredibly, the same Pope who was named Man of the Year by The Advocate - leading periodical of the Lesbian, Bi, Gay and Trans-Gender community, in case you haven't heard of it.

Sometime in the last couple of days, in a large office overlooking Manhatten, a powerful media boss leaned over his aircraft carrier-sized desk and growled like a Bengal tiger to a trembling squad of executives, "Gentlemen, this hayseed hick duck hunter generated $80 million in advertising sales for us in the first nine months of 2013, and merchandise sales generated another $400 million. Now I don't care what they say about it over at Variety We are simply not going to kill the Goose that laid the Golden Egg because that annoying Limey Piers Morgan and his male lover Anderson Cooper got their cornflakes pissed in."

What we have witnessed is an eleventh hour recovery from the greatest marketing misstep since Coca Cola's New Coke / Classic Coke hiccup back in '85. Like Coca Cola, by coming to their senses folks at A&E will profit handsomely, and they have a team of ZZ-Top beard-wearing swamp-dwellers from way down South to thank for it.

Phil's plain speaking, down home philosophy put the sophisticated city-folk in a state of culture shock, to the point they didn't hear what he actually said. For as a Christian, Phil doesn't hate anybody. Christianity is based on love of fellow man. But Liberal sophisticates are so open-minded that when A&E decided to add bleeps to the show to add "spice", Robertson went to the network and told them to not make it seem like they use profanity, as they do not. Also, while they did not cut prayers, they did cut out the part of Robertson's prayer where he said "in Jesus' name". When A&E told them that they did not want to offend the Muslim population, Phil asked, "What year is it?" They replied "2012." He pointed out that the year was 2012 AD, as in The Year of Our Lord, and then asked them why they would take someone out whom the entire Universe is based on?

I wonder how many Muslims are watching Duck Dynasty?



  1. Smiled as I read each word! Owned indeed! :-)

  2. Any chance of a catch up tv download for here in the UK?

  3. I hope the Duck Commander group got some of those revenues!


  4. Excellent post, Sean. These urbanites have forgotten a basic truism: In a contest between someone who obtains their dinner ingredients with a charge card and a "sustainable" shopping bag, and someone who obtains theirs with a blaze orange vest and a Browning A-5, go with the one holding the Browning. He knows far more about how the world really works, and our place in it.

  5. Somewhere, an imminently former mid-level PR flack for A&E is about to be delivered a cardboard box and two security-guard escort detail for his last 15 minutes on the job, probably next Thursday morning, and preparing for a sudden appearance at either the Bravo cable network, or the Poughkeepsie affiliate of the Weather Channel, both with roughly equal audiences.

    It's been pretty funny to watch the country mouse help the city mice in learning to spell "unconditional surrender" and force them to add it to their corporate lexicon.