Friday, June 7, 2013

TOOLS, EXPLAINED

A Special Forces Engineer should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, con a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently and die gallantly.”

- Robert A. Heinlein













DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had care fully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.




WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t!'




CIRCULAR SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.




PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters


BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle . . . it transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.




OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race . . .



TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper














BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.



CROW BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


















HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.




HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.



UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


SON OF A B*TCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "SON OF A B*TCH!!!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.




It's easy to forget - when you're up to your ass in alligators - that your original intent was to drain the swamp . . .

- STORMBRINGER SENDS

14 comments:

  1. I cannot con a ship. Gary Griffin

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  2. ALSO, I don't read you every day, but I read you a lot. Keep bringing It Stormbringer,
    a fellow vet; Gary Griffin

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  3. Hi Gary.
    Bruce from HHC

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  4. That's seem very useful tool. It is loaded with the new technology and feature. Thanks for the information.

    Regards
    Henry Jordan

    Hydraulic Seal Kits

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  5. In 46 years, between Poppy and Hubby, I have used every single one of those. And had to duck more than one flying Son of a Bitch tool. Very funny stuff. :-)

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  6. A Special Forces Engineer has a very small (but non-zero) probability of being able to con a ship. A SEAL (and a Force Recon Marine) has a high probability of being able to conn a ship.

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  7. Well I guess that makes me an exceptional exception, then. FYI: the Army has more ships than the Navy. Little known secret. Cheers, S.L.

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  8. Any of these tools can be used quite effectively to send the user to the nearest ER.

    I've been injured by many of them, but fortunately not bad enough to require an ER visit.

    OTOH, a driving an ice pick like drum brake spring tool through my hand did send me to the ER. Of course I had to finish the brake job before I could drive the car there.

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  9. I think when do the this works,we should stain very careful.However!absolutely that's seem very useful tool.Its looks very awesome.Thanks for the share this article.

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  10. Your blog is really helps for my search and amazingly it was on my searching criteria.. Thanks a lot.

    rubber casters & nylon wheels

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  11. thx it helped me ALOT!!!!

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  12. All of these are very useful tools!
    I am mostly working with engine hoist.

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